academic humility

hi all,

a bit more reading to do tonight before bed, so this will have to be short again (i know i say that every time, and then proceed to write an extremely verbose entry, but this one really will be short.) today was a much more "normal" day than the previous ones, in that i just went to class, napped, studied...no exciting wandering around stories or even tales of shattered PB & J for you today, sadly. I just wanted to take a break from reading and make a comment that the academic side of this trip to Amsterdam is extremely humbling. The readings are mostly fascinating and the discussions we have had in class really do capture my excitement, but I feel less articulate in this situation than I have ever felt in a classroom environment before. Strangely, though feeling less-than-confident usually makes me feel terrible, I don't mind as much here, probably because our casual conversations outside the classroom have been so fulfilling. I have felt discouraged in class and while reading our articles many times, but my inner mantra has just been an unwavering focus on how lucky I am to be here establishing, at the least, aquaintance-type friendships with people who can teach me so much....I'm often too negative about my experiences, and certainly too hard on myself, but I am really trying to just be in love with Amsterdam and hopefully leave with a stronger sense of what I want to do, or be, as a person. So far this effort is working as far as my enjoyment of the experience, but I find myself feeling even less certain of what I'm good at and where my passion lies as far as sexuality studies goes. Tomorrow we are visiting a place called the "Gender Center" at a university on the opposite side of town, and I am really enjoying the articles we're reading about intersex and trans issues, so maybe my work in the future should deal with gender advocacy, rather than sexual health? I have no idea!! I'm afraid that my uncertainty about my ability to speak with any expertise on these topics will hold me back in making the "networking" connections I had hoped to make, with the other students, but especially with the various professors we'll have over the month. Next week our morning class is taught by a woman named Alice Miller (the class is "Sexuality and Human Rights") and I'm really hoping that I feel comfortable engaging in discussions with her and hopefully getting some advice. She is world renowned in the field of sexual rights (something of a law/public policy expert, I believe) and I don't want to come home feeling I have wasted the opportunities to learn from her, or anyone else. I just clam up when I'm not sure how to speak intelligently about a topic--but I suppose even the most intelligent, amazing scholars had to start somewhere. I'm just not so sure that I will ever be a scholar--these abstract sociological understandings of sex and gender do not come easily to me, and I want to be further ahead of myself than is really possible....such is the nature of the perfectionist (obsessive, compulsive) mind!!

sorry about the rambling...i guess this blog is as much for my own memory of the trip as for your entertainment, so please forgive me! I hope everything is going well back home...I miss and love you all a lot! Please post a comment with a little update of what's going on, or email me anytime at varnerL@colorado.edu ...

XOXOXO